Open Post: Hosted By Gwyneth Paltrow Joining “Shark Tank” As A Guest Shark
Famed alleged “Extortionist,” Gwyneth Paltrow, is about to take her goop business prowess to another level, baby! No, she isn’t opening a multi-level marketing scheme version of goop–though I believe with my soul that it’s coming–Gwyneth will be joining the other rich vampires of Shark Tank to profit off of the ideas of other people who can’t afford to get their businesses started without submitting to the whims of wealthy benefactors. Personally, I think that she will fit right in!
Gwyneth is a businesswoman, honey. She runs her extremely lucrative and insanely frivolous company, goop, which has had its own number of issues over the past. Including paying a fine for false promises about jade vagina eggs, and a goop summit that attendees considered to be extorting them of money more than it was enlightening. So clearly, she knows how to run a business in capitalist America. TVLine says that the 14th season of Shark Tank will premiere on September 23 on ABC with a first-ever live episode that will have the main six Sharks hosting: Mark Cuban, Barbara Corcoran, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Daymond John, and Canadian demon from Hell, Kevin O’Leary. But at some point in the season, Gwyneth will join the crew as a Guest Shark along with DoorDash CEO and co-founder, Tony Xu. Fishsticks has been upgraded to a Shark! So get your shaman-blessed coochie egg business strategies ready!!! Other Guest Sharks include:
Returning guests, meanwhile, include Dragon’s Den‘s Peter Jones, Skims founding partner Emma Grede, Kind founder Daniel Lubetzky, and fashion designer Kendra Scott.
This actually isn’t Gwyneth’s first pitch-type rich person hellscape, as she was one of the rich folk on Planet of the Apps, an Apple Music-only release in 2017 that featured Gwyneth and a bunch of other richies (Jessica Alba, will.i.am, and Gary Vaynerchuk) hearing minute-long pitches from software developers on slow-moving escalators. Love when rich people come up with a show that has poor people begging for a chance and they add another element of degradation just for shits and giggles.
Well, knowing Gwyneth, someone better show up to the stage ready with a new and unique idea for a vibrator. I mean, we know she loves those! Maybe a line of vibrators that have been blessed by vampire hunters in the Alps that also releases UV light into the body through the vaginal tract? I mean, you better come armed with something more interesting than a frozen dessert or something if you’re trying to woo Gwyneth–she has very particular taste!
Pic: Roger Wong/INSTARimages