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August 15, 2022 / Posted by:

Super Simon!

One year after the game Simon debuted and gave many kids their first ever case of fucking anxiety, its maker, Milton Bradley, decided that the nerves of children haven’t suffered enough. So they shot up regular Simon with roids to create Super Simon. Super Simon was double the Simon and double the nerve-destroying fuckery!

The original Simon came out in 1978, and as anybody who has lost time from their life due to the stress of playing that shit knows, it’s an electronic game that creates a series of tones and lights that you have to repeat. As you conquer each sequence, the sequences get harder and longer (and not in a sexy way). Guinness World Records claims that an unnamed Canadian genius holds the record for the most completed sequences in one game of Simon. They completed 84 sequences. But has that Canadian genius conquered Super Simon yet?!

The original recipe Super Simon was released in 1979 and it did away with regular Simon’s frisbee-like shape. Super Simon was shaped more like a little keyboard. It came with 5 different games and allowed two players or teams to go head-to-head. It looked like this:

Here’s an old Simon and Super Simon commercial where Vincent Price invites us into the most elegant and sophisticated Simon game party ever.

But that’s not the Super Simon I remember. I remember the hideous-looking one from the 90s in the header picture. Sometime in the 90s, Milton Bradley rebooted Super Simon and gave it a whole new look. Let’s just say that the refined sophisticates playing the old Super Simon in the commercial above would never be seen with the rebooted Super Simon. Milton Bradley uglied that thing up. They made it a honeycomb shape and then painted it a horrible shade of “drink some water already” piss. Not to mention that its buttons looked like taillights ripped off of old cars in a junkyard. But beyond its busted looks, it was similar to the original Super Simon. You could play several different kinds of games on it. But unlike the original Super Simon, it had 8 different colored buttons.

Gameplay is like original Simon but has 8 colored buttons instead of 4.. Generally, players need to repeat a sequence of increasingly long sequence of button presses. The sequence starts with one button and each time the sequence is repeated successfully, another button is added to the end and the player(s) need to now repeat the longer sequence.

1. In game one, one or more players take turns repeating the sequence.
2. In game two each player controls one or more colors and has to press their assigned color at the correct time or that color is eliminated.
3. In game three, Simon randomly determines which player needs to complete the sequence.
4. In game four, the color and timing of the presses needs to be repeated by the players.
5. In game five, you have to press the button as Simon lights it. There is no sequence to memorize.

I couldn’t find a commercial for the rebooted Super Simon but here it is in action:

Before old age and weed ate at my brain’s memory chip, I wasn’t so bad at Simon. I never played Super Simon, though, and probably because I knew I didn’t stand a chance. But if someone asked me if I’d play the rebooted Super Simon with them, I’d stick my nose up at it while saying, “Ew, no, I’m a Simon purist, thankyouverymuch.”

Pics: Milton Bradley, eBay

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